I Have a Secret, I Am Angry
Many of you may know me and think I am extremely happy go lucky, fun, silly, but I am actually kind of angry inside. I get angry at AI for not understanding me. I get angry at people for misunderstanding me. I get angry at others for not having the social awareness to respect shared spaces, talking loudly on speakerphone instead of using an earbud, or letting a dog run wild in public. But I also get angry at myself for not extending grace to someone who might have a reason I simply do not know about.
Sometimes I want to quit. I really do. I get sick of the grind of life. In the creative world I am in, people might think I get to live an easy, lucky life, and in some ways that is true. But sometimes even the gigs I take, I have to remind myself, this is better than a day job. There was a guy from Nitro Circus everyone knew as Street Bike Tommy. Before doing something crazy, he would say, this is better than hanging drywall, because that had been his old job. I have said that exact phrase to myself more than once, my own way of reminding myself this beats a day job.
The jobs that have made me the most angry and miserable in the past were ones with no creativity, just completing a task and collecting a paycheck. Jobs with a toxic atmosphere toward anyone different, jobs where I had no freedom to be who I actually am. I will tell you as fact, working a job purely for money will make you angry, it will make you bitter, and both of those drain the joy, hope, and life right out of you.
So what do I actually want. I want to work for myself. I want to create every day. I do not want to depend on others for income, and I do not want others depending on me for theirs. At this point in life, getting close to retirement, I feel like I have done enough, and that is not me giving up, I still have plenty of projects planned. I have done artwork, photography, danced in TV commercials and shows, taught dance, performed as a vocalist releasing albums, traveled the country singing and sharing the gospel and God’s love. I DJed through all of it, worked ten years as a reporter for Disc Jockey News, went to all the expos. I have done enough that I no longer need a job with status or a title attached to it.
So how do I navigate life carrying all of this. There is a simple prayer I heard a long time ago, I wrote it down, and I keep it in places where I can read it out loud when I am feeling low, it helps put things back into perspective.
Father, I come to you admitting my anxiety about the future and my current work situation. I lay my worries before you, trusting in your promise to care for me. Please grant me peace and wisdom to navigate these uncertain times, knowing that my security is in you.
Take Care and God Bless,
MJ